Welcome to Babysitting Hell
by Tora-Kun
Summary: The characters of Trigun are, in some kind of order, tortured with the daunting task of babysitting Hirei.. The little fire demon of doom...
1. Meet Hirei

(Some kind of disclaimer stuff: I didn't put this on the last one, but I don't own Trigun. Someone else owns Trigun and they probably have more people so if they want it back they can kick my ass for it or take my computer or whatever. So I really /don't/ own Wolfwood after all, but I can still dream. Er. Anyway. On another note, Kuroneko and Hirei are mine. MINE!)  
  
(anyway.)  
  
Kuroneko stood on the front porch of his new house somewhere on the desert planet, watching Hirei jump around screaming at the top of her lungs happily. He also noted a new neighbor walking past their house, looking at them both a bit. First thing through Kuroneko's mind: Pretty girl. In fact, she was quite pretty for a desert planet to yield. He smiled at her and she smiled back... And just as Kuroneko thought he had a good chance with her, Hirei was "playing" with her, which involved jumping and clawing her, and burning her hair.  
  
Looking towards the sky and imploring to the Gods, he whined in a very manly, cat like whine that Hirei needed to be sent away to military school or boarding school or at the very /least/ put into the hands of a capable babysitter so she couldn't scare potential girlfriends and drinking buddies away before they realized that it wasn't his fault that his daughter was a psychotic pyro. Well, not entirely his fault.  
  
And because it was still sort of his fault, the only God that cared to answer him was the God of the planet Gunsmoke-Kuroneko-sama. And this amazing cat knew that Hirei really did need a babysitter, but she was pissed at Kuroneko for stealing her beautiful name. So she did him a favor in a weird way. She picked out the best potential babysitters, and made sure they were the ones who answered his ads.... Tune in next week.... Or next month... Or tomorrow... Whatever... To see if they can deal with the five year old evil that is Hirei! Laugh at their torture!  
  
And laugh at Kuroneko. The guy. He'll never get a girl.  
  
(There ya go. Short... But I'll update soon. I SWEAR!) 


	2. First up Milly

The first person to apply to babysit Hirei was a tall, brown-haired woman who introduced herself as Milly Thompson with a bright smile and a strong handshake. Kuroneko already had high hopes as he led her into the house.  
  
"Well, miss Thompson," he said, looking around the living room which was practically empty still, and ducked into the hallway leading to the bedrooms. There, looking through a door that was slightly ajar, he saw Hirei sound asleep and snoring slightly.  
  
Turning back to Milly, he motioned for her to come closer, and leaned toward her. "My daughter is a little...Ah... Odd. I hope you're willing to deal with her, but if anything very bad should happen, you can just go get me. I'll be at the bar.... Okay?"  
  
Milly nodded, wondering what could possibly go wrong with babysitting any sweet little girl, even if she was a little eccentric. Kuroneko grabbed his jacket and was halfway out the door before she could even comment on this belief, and mumbled something about being back at ten or not letting the house explode or something like that.  
  
Walking to the room Kuroneko had been peering into before, she saw Hirei asleep on her bed-a little five year old girl, sprawled out, wearing her daddy's sleeping robes. She looked adorable and sweet, of course. Milly had a strange urge to pet her, probably because of the fluffiness of her hair and the cat ears that sprung out of them. Then she started wondering about the ears. Were they real? She couldn't tell, and she couldn't see if either Hirei or her dad had regular ears as well, because both had long hair covering the place where normal ears would be.  
  
Slipping through the door and looking down at the sleeping child, she leaned over quietly, inspecting the ears closer. Finally, she put her hand on the top of Hirei's head and scratched her gently behind the ears. To her surprise she heard purring, and she petted a bit more, smiling. Cat people- it was kind of an interesting and new concept for her.  
  
Trying to decide whether the ears were real even though the purring should have made the answer obvious, she tugged one of them a little... Very slightly, but the slight tugging was enough to wake Hirei up and start her on a seriously painful screaming bout. Milly held her ears begging for a quick death.  
  
Hirei finally ran out of breath and stopped, sucking in a lungful with an exaggerated wheezing sound, and one of Milly's ear-protecting hands was slapped across her mouth before another scream was started.  
  
"It's okay! Don't scream! ... Don't cry either!" She said, somewhat whiny and trying to smile at Hirei as she started to sob hysterically. "I didn't know it would hurt you..."  
  
Hirei blinked away the tears unnaturally quickly and shrugged. "I' kinna hurd bu' ahm jus mah da' da-ee lef' meh" (Translation: It kinda hurt. but I'm just mad that daddy left me)  
  
"Well... You didn't have to scream or cry..." Milly said, removing her hand so the kid could speak something closer to Engrish.  
  
Hirei sat for about half a second calmly, then bit Milly's hand, drawing blood with sharp teeth, and ran out of the door of the room. Milly took a moment to realize what had happened before screeching out loud and chasing after Hirei.  
  
"What did you do that for!?" She said, waving her hurt little hand around and looking at Hirei, who was knocking stuff down as she crawled over the shelves in a really bad attempt to stay undetected.  
  
Hirei took another deep breath, letting loose that death-causing scream that rattled the windows again. Milly automatically slapped her hands to her ears, wincing from the pain it caused, both from the sound and from the fact that the movement hurt the bite marks on her hands a lot. There was a short mental conflict between her ears and her hand, and the ears won. By the time Hirei ran out of breath and skittered to the kitchen, Milly had a streak of blood down the side of her face, though she didn't even realize it.  
  
Hirei sat quietly inside a cabinet, just sitting, and Milly walked in, looking around.  
  
"Oh Hirei..." she said, looking inside random cabinets. But before she got to Hirei's hiding place, she found a more interesting substance... Pudding.  
  
So smiling brightly, she carried the bowl into the living room and sat down at a table, taking out a spoon to eat with. But, before she even got the first spoonful to her mouth, Hirei tore into the room, almost like a tornado, and jumped onto the table, eating all the pudding in one tremendous slurp before jumping off the table, crushing it under her, and jumping to random corners of the room. Wings had sprouted from her back from nowhere and there was fire flying everywhere...  
  
Two hours later, Kuroneko came home to find Milly outside on the front porch, cowering, and the interior of the house completely ruined.  
  
Kuroneko-sama nyaa'd. One down... 


	3. Fire for Wolfy

(Oi. Okay, so maybe I /live/ in hell, but here in hell there is a lot of wind. And that means.. Tornados... Ech. I am typing this a week after one of them suckers tore through my block. Luckily I'm okay and my computer is fine, so on Tuesday, when I get phone and internet back, I'll post this. Really I will.)  
  
It was a few days later that another person answered Kuroneko's whiny ad, a tough-looking guy in black who looked creepily like a priest and carried a huge cross on his back. Kuroneko opened the door and just stood there, blinking profusely.  
  
"...Please don't tell me you're here to apply for babysitter," he said.  
  
The man frowned. "Why shouldn't I be!?" He growled, somewhat indignant and pissed at Kuroneko already.  
  
"...I saw you drunk at the bar, like, last week."  
  
"I think it says more about you that you were there than it does about me."  
  
".........Come in and meet my damned kid, then."  
  
The two men walked into the living room, and Kuroneko looked around vaguely for Hirei, then motioned for his guest to sit, before remembering that the chairs were incinerated. So instead he turned the gesture into a handshake, which was greeted strongly.  
  
"You probably know my name from the ad," Kuroneko said, "Kuroneko Chikara."  
  
"Nicholas Wolfwood," The new candidate for babysitter smiled a little bit, for some reason, "Actually, a friend of mine was your babysitter last week... I thought I would come down and try my hand at the little one."  
  
Kuroneko shrugged, and the two stood around for a moment in some kind of awkward silence, the kind you get when you put two drinking, smoking, and partying guys in the same room with the knowledge that one of them is going to leave and drink, smoke and party and the other is going to be sitting on their butt all night watching some insane brat. Kuroneko was seriously planning to be the former of the choices and so he grabbed his jacket before Wolfwood could say anything to the affect of giving up and leaving. So once again, before his new babysitter could say a thing Kuroneko was out the door and saying something about giving him twenty bucks an hour or not feeding Hirei peanut butter or something like that.  
  
Wolfwood propped his cross against the wall, looking down the hallway as he leaned against it. He could see four doors from his position in the living room-One to the dining area/kitchen near the front door, and three down the hallway which were theoretically the two bedrooms and a bathroom. One of the doors was covered in drawing, carving, and haphazardly placed pieces of paper with paint all over them. Walking closer, he squinted at the childish scribble to see strangely vivid pictures of fire, blood, and other destruction, along with a lot of strange scribbles that looked like another language. He hadn't heard about any of this from Milly-but then again, Milly had never seen the back of the door seeing as it had been open.  
  
Walking into the room, he looked at the decoration, another thing Milly had failed to do in her pursuit of pulling Hirei's ear. The four walls of the room were covered in yellow wallpaper with blue and red decoration that had a nursery look to it. Strangely, unlike the front of the door, the room was unmarked by any sign of insanity or evil, whatever you want to call it, but for strange singe marks along the bottoms of things, and trails of completely melted carpet running strange, symmetrical patterns along the floor. There was minimal furniture, the curtains hung a bit desolately, and the bed was ragged but very puffy looking. And of course, there was a little girl sleeping in it, in clothes that were extremely large on her.  
  
Wolfwood crept a little closer to the bed, his cross scraping against the burnt marks in the carpet, and looked down at Hirei. She looked calm enough, but of course he had already seen and heard enough to know she was a complete psycho. He took out a cigarette, and then a match, still watching her carefully. Backing into a chair, he used the red-orange painted arm of it to strike the match. Then, of course there was that normal match striking sound-"scritch-Pfooom" But, the "pfoom" part was a lot bigger than normal, reaching the proportions of a small explosion. The flame from the match fairly exploded, so the sound was expectable but no less shocking, as the small match made a flame that was as wide as a normal man and probably taller, leaving a huge scorch mark on the ceiling. Wolfwood dropped the damned match, of course, tossing it toward the bed without thought and jumping back, tripping over the chair he had been standing by. But the huge flame lasted about as long as a normal match flame and once it was gone, he was able to see Hirei sitting on the end of her bed, black eyes flashing dangerously. Or he would have been able to, if he hadn't been sprawled out on the floor about a hundred and fifty percent dazed.  
  
"Nyaaaoooooooooo," Hirei said in her best imitation of Engrish at the moment, before jumping off the bed and landing on Wolfwood's chest, poking his nose with one little claw. "Hie pershon."  
  
Wolfwood blinked, looking up at the innocent little child that he was supposedly babysitting. "Um. Hi."  
  
Hirei poked his nose again, then grabbed each of his cheeks with a hand and started pulling on his face, stretching it considerably while screeching, "HIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," Then jumped back, pulling the still dazed Wolfwood up by the collar and tossing him into a chair.  
  
"You're drunk'd, arentcha? Well you should sit dowwwn a'fore you get sick!" She said, jumping up and balancing herself on one of Wolfwood's legs as he slowly came to his senses and tried to stand.  
  
"I'm not drunk.. I'm fine. Get offa me."  
  
"NU! Drunk'd peoples needa rest!" Hirei said, jumping onto the backboard of the chair and shuffling through the top shelf of the dresser that was behind it, her tail hanging over Wolfwood's head and tickling his nose.  
  
Tickle, Tickle, Tickle, And as Hirei pulled out a length of thick rope, Wolfwood sneezed gigantically, knocking her off balance and she fell backwards, landing on his feet and looking up. It was her turn to be dazed, but it didn't last long. She jumped right back up, freakishly quick and wrapping the rope around Wolfwood and the chair as he continued trying to get up. But in a few seconds, he was tightly tied with thick rope and the little catgirl was sitting on the backboard of the chair again, boredly stretching his face as he yelled and screamed and tried bargaining to be let go.  
  
Then Hirei found the punisher. Not that it was easy to miss, against the wall just waiting for little hands to untie it and take out the many fun firearms inside. And that she did, going "whas' this?" every once in a while, before firing each gun once, as Wolfwood prayed that she didn't decide to point one toward her.  
  
But eventually Hirei got bored, so she left the guns where they lay and went back to torturing her new friend. Then, finished more or less and hungry, she tied a shirt around his mouth and dragged the chair and it's occupant into the closet, then went to get a snack and play "Burn daddy's furniture and rip his curtains as punishment for leaving me with another incapable babysitter," which was what she was playing when Kuroneko came home with an extremely drunk blonde on his arm.  
  
Of course, the blonde didn't stay very long within the walls of this household. And, neither did Wolfwood, once he was found and untied.  
  
This kid was about ready to get kicked offa the freaking planet. Kuroneko- sama continued her search...  
  
(Bwaha. I tied Wolfwood up. Go meeee) 


End file.
